G.I. Joe: Retaliation

2 Stars - Boring

I went into G.I. Joe 2 with expectations of something entertainingly bad, with aspirations of greatness, but failing in every logical way. Sadly it's just plain boring. Take for example about halfway through there is a battle between multiple ninjas swinging on ropes on the side of a cliff... that is boring... how do you make epic ninja cliff battle boring?

I can only hope that The Rock and Bruce Willis work together in the future, because they have decent chemistry here, but they don't do anything action-y together.

How do you make this boring?

In short, give it a miss, not hatred bad, just boring, give it a miss.

Jack The Giant Slayer - A Review

3 Stars - Decent

Fe Fi Fo Fum, Ask not whence the thunder comes, for between heaven... wait? Ian McKellan was only the narrator in the trailer and isn't in the film in any way? Lame!

Jack the Giant Slayer is a re-imagining of Jack and the Beanstalk in the ilk of Snow White and the Huntsman or Hansel and Gretel Witchhunters. It is decent.

This film's major problem is an inconsistent tone. There are times when it tries to be funny, and isn't, and other times where it takes itself seriously which really works well and should have been the tone for the whole film.

Still more dignified than the Star Wars prequels.

In short, I'd say wait for TV, and if you do see it, there's nothing 3D would improve.

Trance - A Review

5 Stars - Insanely Cool

Trance is the latest film by Danny Boyle, it tells the story of an art robbery gone wrong, and the attempts to recover their painting via hypnotherapy on the man who lost it. It is weird, clever and brilliant.

The performances are great, James McAvoy turns in one of his strongest performances to date, Vincent Cassel is effortlessly cool and entertaining and Rosario Dawson is infuriatingly good.

The film is tightly written and directed, as you would expect from Danny Boyle, and it kept me guessing the entire way through.

James McAvoy has a creepy smile

In short, one of the coolest films I've seen in a long time, definitely one to watch.

Welcome To The Punch - A Review

4 Stars - Good

Yet another film to prove that no-one plays villains quite as well as Mark Strong.

Welcome to the punch is a detective thriller with some competent action thrown in for good measure. It tells the story of a maverick police officer whose dogged pursuit of the criminal who shot him three years previously leads him to uncover a deep conspiracy.

This film has some great performances, with James McAvoy and Mark Strong as the leads this was fairly inevitable, but also on display we have David Morrisey, Daniel Mays and Andrea Riseborough just to name a few.

The action is okay, I've seen better, but I've also seen a lot worse, and it is fairly effective against the almost constant blue lighting...

Why the hell didn't they cast Mark Strong as Agent 47 in Hitman?

In short, a pretty good film, probably worth a watch.

The Croods - A Review

4 Stars - Decent

Nic Cage as the voice of an animated caveman? I'm in.

The Croods is Dreamworks' latest film effort, it tells the story of a family of cave people who discover a new world when continental drift starts to set in and they must search for a new home.

The visuals in this film are very nice, the pre-historic world they create is very colourful and has a lot of interesting things to see, and the film makers clearly knew this as they often had times where they would just quietly let the visuals play out in their own time, rather than rushing past them as though they weren't interesting. This is helped by the plot being so simple, there's no villain and no attempts to overcomplicate things, it's just the journey through this wonderful looking world.

The film has a strong cast with such wonders as the most brilliant man in all of hollywood, Nic Cage, Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds and the ever marvellous Cloris Leachman.

I can see the resemblance

In short, this is a good film, definitely worth a watch.

"They've gone, we're human"... Being Human Series 5 - A Review

At long last Being Human has come to an end, and not a moment too soon as to be honest it's never been more boring or underwhelming.

The first thing to address is that Annie is now gone, replaced by Alex, who is no-where near as interesting or likeable. So what we're left with is three, count them three, boring protagonists who I hate. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I am against the idea of changing the cast and replacing the old protagonists, I just wish we'd got something better than this.

So the series starts with Alex and Tom releasing Hal from imprisonment in a chair for detox from blood. Tom and Hal get jobs at a hotel where a mysterious old man is staying. We find out through flashbacks that he's the devil, trapped in that body by a blood ritual that Hal cocked up years ago. At this point do I even need to go on? They have the devil and a contrived way to stop him, the rest of the series is just padding at this point. Some more stuff happens, none of it interesting, they kill the devil and their curses are removed, and yet despite this Alex is now alive. She didn't have a body, this doesn't make any sense.

So yeah, the series sucks, it's predictable from the word go, and doing the devil, and saying he's the cause of their curses removes all ambiguity the show had, and really just delves it into a parody of itself. Much as Phil Davis is chewing the shit out of the scenery and giving a couple of vaguely entertaining moments they are short lived, and overwhelmed by the stupidity of them doing the devil at all.

In short, a shit ending to a show that got lost along the way. Watch Being Human up to series three then block the rest from your memory. I know that's what I'll be doing.

Parker - A Review

3 Stars - Very nearly mediocre

Some films just demand that a drinking game be made out of them. The rules of the Parker drinking game are simple every time he hurts someone who doesn't deserve it, or steals from someone who can't afford it, take a shot.

Parker is a simple revenge story with Jason Statham, Britain's greatest action hero, getting his revenge on the guys who betrayed him following a robbery so that they could take his money to buy a house so they could pull off the next job... have they never heard of motels? He gets caught up with a real estate agent played by Jennifer Lopez, and every time she's on screen whining about her problems you just want to yell at her to go away so you can enjoy your Jason Statham action film.

The action here is okay, there's not an awful lot of it, and some of the scenes are just perplexingly filled with bad CGI for gunshots and knife wounds, which really takes you out of it.

It's okay, my house has a rope ladder for easy escape... seriously Parker's house has a rope ladder for easy escape...

In short, unless you're a confirmed Statheist, I'd say give it a miss, and even if you are, wait for TV

Side Effects - A Review

4.5 Stars - Really Good

Side Effects is Steven Soderbergh's latest thriller, about a young Woman, played by Rooney Mara, who starts taking medication for her depression, as diagnosed by a psychiatrist played by Jude Law. However the pills have unusual side effects and soon she has committed a horrible crime, and her psychiatrist must go on a search to find out what was responsible, her or the medication and, by proxy, him.

This is a tense, gripping thriller, it is well written, brilliantly acted by the principal cast of Jude Law, Rooney Mara, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Channing Tatum and skilfully directed.

I figure this is as close to a spoiler free image as I can manage

In short, a great film, really worth a watch.

Oz The Great And Powerful - A Review

2 Stars - Kind of awful

When I heard there was a prequel to the Wizard of Oz coming out I was hoping for something with the intelligence and depth of Wicked. Sadly Oz the Great and Powerful is neither intelligent or deep.

What I will say in favour of this film is the visuals are pretty nice, there are environments that almost feel like Disney are making up for Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, however the integration between CGI and real people isn't very good. The worst effects are on the wicked witch, I can't tell if it's bad CGI or bad make-up, or a combination of the two, but it looks genuinely dreadful, this is in part due to them having to use a different shade of green to Margaret Hamilton's iconic portrayal of the character for legal reasons.

Performance wise they cast are trying, but again, they have a huge legacy to live up to from the 1939 film and it just doesn't seem to work out. Especially in their attempts to re-create the Wicked Witch.

Seriously Stupid Looking

In short, give this a miss, and wait for Wicked to get made into a film...

Broken City - A Review

4 Stars - Good

Broken City is a tense detective/political thriller starring Marky-Mark and Russel Crowe, it is pretty darn good.

The performances are the key to this film's success, Marky-Mark and Crowe play well off each other and the supporting cast, which includes Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jeffrey Wright, all do a cracking job in making this tense and interesting to watch.

There's a hell of a lot of talent in that room

In short, a decent film, worth a watch.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters - A Review

3 Stars - Okay

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is an action film that follows Hansel and Gretel after they killed the witch in the gingerbread house and into adult life where they've become Witch Hunters, and they must now take down a group of vicious witches who are stealing children.

The story is very basic, but what were you expecting from this film? Complex issues? The action is decent, it's well shot and competently put together, but towards the end it gets a bit dull, I can't really explain why either, just not terribly exciting.

Gemma Arterton in tight leather trousers? I'm sold

In short, it's okay, but maybe one to wait for TV for.